What is BDSM?

One in ten people have experimented with BDSM and if you have ever used a silk scarf as a blindfold or tied someone’s wrist during sex, you have had mild BDSM sex.

“Tie my ankles with your white cotton rope so I can’t walk. Bind my wrists so I can’t push you away. Place me on the bed and wrap your rope tighter around my skin so it grips my flesh. Now I know that struggle is useless, that I have to submit to your mouth and tongue and teeth, your hands and words and whims. I exist only as your object. Exposed. “


Marianne Apostolides in Psychology Today, The Pleasure of Pain.


Simply put, BDSM is about one partner agreeing to do everything the other partner requests. To put your trust entirely in the hands of another.

Table of Contents

  1. What does BDSM mean?
  2. Who is in charge during a BDSM scene?
  3. Active consent and stop word
  4. BDSM can look very different for different couples
  5. But why do you want to expose yourself to pain?
  6. Is there something wrong with people who practice BDSM?
  7. Aftercare – debriefing

What does BDSM mean?

BDSM is an abbreviation for:
BD – bondage / discipline
DS – dominance / submission
SM – sadism / masochism

Bondage

Bondage implies limiting someone’s freedom of movement, it can be anything from ordering someone not to move, a loosely tied silk scarf around the wrists to advanced restriction of movement with rope art “Shibari”. If you are new to BDSM start with soft ropes or handcuffs that are loosened with a simple grip.


Furry handcuffs like these from Babeland.com are great for a nice and soft BDSM experience.


Dominant

The Dominant party in a BDSM relationship is someone who likes to decide, to be in charge, and controls the sex act. It can range from using a sex toy on the partner to induce orgasm after orgasm to tying up and fucking the partner speechless.

Submission

Submission refers to a person who surrenders control to another. A submissive wants the other person to be in control and likes/loves to get orders. Here, too, the taste varies from only liking that your partner determines the sex position to the need of more extreme domination to get excited, such as spanking or a hand around your neck. The act of submission allows the submissive to temporarily release all control and expectations.

Sadism and masoschism

Sadism, usually exercised by the dominant party, means being sexually excited by controlling their partner and inflicting strong sensations such as pain. Masochism means being excited about relinquishing control and being exposed to intense emotions. Light forms of masochism and sadism can be tickling, teasing the partner with a vibrator while bound, scratching lightly with nails or giving small love bites. More extreme forms of sadism are to increase the vibrator to maximum and force orgasm after orgasm while the partner is praying and asking you to quit. (Without saying the agreed stop word). In a healthy BDSM relationship, both aim to give the other what he or she wants.

Blissfull BDSM sex.

“Today I’m far too tired to have sex, I said with a yawn. What you want isn’t relevant, if I want sex, I’ll take it, he replied with a hand around my neck and pulled me against him. “

Who is in charge during a BDSM scene?

It may seem like the dominant determines completely without regard to the submissive. But that is definitely not true. The BDSM relationship does not start there and the submissive is never out of control. When the relationship is established and the dominant knows his or her submissive then the dominant can give orders and decide. It is based on mutual trust. The submissive trusts that the dominant observes reactions, pushes boundaries but never transcends them. The dominant trusts that the submissive announces with predetermined stop words when it becomes too much or on the border of too much. There is a mutual understanding and respect for each other’s roles. It is based on a great deal of trust and knowledge about each other. Even when the submissive is “forced” to do something, it is done on from the submissive free will. There must always be a way to stop.

Active consent and stop word

A foundation of BDSM is that you talk about what is ok and not ok before you get started. You listen carefully to your partner during the scens if something that is usually ok doesn’t feel good.


“Stop” and “Take It Slow” signals are very important.

Before starting a BDSM scene, the parties decide on a stop word. The most common is “red” for stop – meaning everything stops immediately, the submissive is immediately released from any handcuffs / ropes or the like. And “orange” which means that it does not feel good, what is going on right now does not feel ok but the scene does not have to be completely interrupted. If the submissives mouth is bound, give the person a ball or the like to hold, the release of the item is the stop signal. It is the submissive who has the control and decides what is ok or not ok and if the game should be interrupted.

BDSM can look very different for different couples

Some like sensual domination, where some sex toys and games are included in the act, but no pain at all. Others are SM enthusiasts and go all in with whips and chains but it is absolutely not every BDSM practitioner’s thing. BDSM relationships can look as different as the number of beards in a Hipster café.

BDSM can be as simple or as advanced as you decide

It can be as harmless as blindfolding your partner with a silk scarf, using a pair of fluffy loose handcuffs or pulling an ice cube over your partner’s erogenous zones. Or it can be much more advanced than that. Before you try more advanced BDSM techniques, it is important to read and learn how to handle them safely. Even a whip and rope can be dangerous if they are not handled properly. Most important for your mutual enjoyment is that the dominant learns to read his or her partner, recognize when boundaries are stretched but never go too far. With the goal of maximizing your enjoyment. As submissive, the most important part is being honest with your partner and communicate when it doesn’t feel ok.

Sensation play-kit från Babeland.com for indulging BDSM sensation play.

But why do you want to expose yourself to pain?

What kind of people get turned on by pain? Many, completely normal people.
Imagine that you climb a mountain, you sweat, shrubs scratch your legs, lactic acid fills your muscles, you rest in fatigue several times along the way. When you reach the top, you are in pain and totally exhausted. Yet you feel completely euphoric.

There are many activities that involve pain, such as long-distance running, a hard workout, rock climbing, intensive massage, tattoo and BDSM. Pain produces a substance similar to that produced when eating good food, taking drugs or having sex. The link between pleasure and pain is deeply linked to our brain. All pain releases endorphins that block pain and give us a sense of euphoria. Morphine and other opiates work the same way. You can read more about pain in “Why pain feels good”.

Endorphins released during pain stimulate the frontal lobe of the brain and the limbic parts of the brain (the “feel good part of the brain”). This feeling of well-being after you have been exposed to pain, is similar to the experience of being high.

Intense pain also activates another pain regulator in the body, the “anesthetic” anandamide that helps block pain and gives you a warm and fuzzy feeling. An additional substance released during pain is adrenaline that makes your heart beat faster.

Why is some pain enjoyable while other pain is unbearable? Some researchers say that we humans, unlike animals, endure the pain that we know doesn’t do us any harm. Something that animals cannot distinguish. We humans can expose ourselves to and enjoy unpleasant experiences that give thrilling delight when we know they are not dangerous. Like riding a roller coaster. An animal would never expose itself to a second roller-coaster ride. We humans like the thrill that a horror experience gives us afterwards. Because we can tell if the horror experience is dangerous or not.

Is there something wrong with people who practice BDSM

If you are a BDSM practitioner or BDSM wannaba you can exhale:
All available research has shown that the majority of BDSM practitioners are mentally healthy and quite ordinary in all respects. They simply think that ordinary sex is not satisfactory and want an intensified and more intimate experience.
It is said that there are ignorant people out there who think that BDSM is perverted and degrading. Nothing could be more wrong. One can have traditional sex without conversation, negotiation or any emotional bond. But in BDSM you always have an honest, intimate communication that creates a special emotional bond. Many people in BDSM believe that it is the most loving, rewarding and intimate relationship and sex one can have. A Dutch study shows that compared to the general public, BDSM practitioners are, in some respects, psychologically stronger, less neurotic and more independent.

“Our data do not support the persistent assumption that BDSM is associated with inadequate developmental attachment processes because of a history of trauma or for other reasons. BDSM should be considered a form of recreation rather than the expression of psychopathological processes”. You can read more about this.

Aftercare – debriefing

Aftercare is the time a BDSM couple spends together after an intense BDSM session. Because BDSM can be very intensive and emotional, it is important to have a moment together to collect yourself and debrief. Some talk about what happened and how it felt. Others rather give each other physical closeness and rest together. People become vulnerable after an intense BDSM session, therefore this final process is important. It is equally important for both parties to be confirmed and taken care of afterward.

Cozt and necessary aftercare after a BDSM session.

Many couples in “regular” relationships do not talk about their sex life. About what feels good or bad, what you want more or less of. But BDSM relationships require an ongoing detailed conversation about sex. It creates a greater closeness and a more intimate sex life. BDSM is based on trust, openness, honesty and straight communication. These are the same traits that create a better relationship even outside the bedroom.

We warmly recommend BDSM. But read up before and take good care of each other!

Trust me – sexplay set is a perfect way to take your first journey in to the world of kinky sex.

  1. My BF bought a “starter” set for BDSM, and I must say that it was really good. The best thing was the soft handcuff, felt a lot safer during BDSM sex then the real thing.

  2. I can’t imagine how I can get turned on when my BF spanks me..It hurts, but I love the feeling it gives me. Not when he does it, then I hate it… But I want it all the time he don’t spank me as part of the sex. BDSM doesn’t need to be so complicated, he uses his leather belt, it’s free and gives me and him huge pain and pleasure :D. I cant say that neither he or I view ourselfs as sadist or masochists, we don’t like to give to get pain in any other context than when we have sex.

    But I love the article, really good to read and get some tips. The soft handcuffs for BDSM sex was a nice idea, will be on my wishlist :).

  3. Thank you for a very good and insightful article about BDSM. Now I understand some parts a lot better and might even feel like giving it a try… 🙂

  4. I love soft BDSM sex with my BF. but we are “switch”, so I dominate him sometimes, and he dominates me other times. The power of domination is rather equal. But we love different things, I love when he uses the whip on me, and he loves sexual humiliation (a thing I don’t want to be exposed for, but I love how he gets turned on by it).

    But to initate BDSM sex into a long relationship can really be a Kickstarter for boring sex life.

  5. My sex life become a lot better with my new BF, we hade a clear sub/dom sexual relationship from the beginning with some BDSM play.. Like bondage and so.. . I can relax a lot more when I know that he is in charge.

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